Game Plan

I really can’t point to the exact moment where it started. I can only say that this month of January is the month that I’ve felt so convicted to do something with my life. Of course, that’s looking at the glass half-full. The negative view would be that I was becoming increasingly dissatisfied with the way things were. The idea that I really needed to shake things up kept recurring to me – lying in bed in those drowsy moments before sleep, in the shower, and silent bus rides back from church among other things. So many things in my life felt like they were pointing towards this single blinding revelation that I felt God was pushing me towards.

And that’s why I’ve resolved to change my life radically. Preparation was something that I felt I needed to do before such a paradigm shift is to take place. It involved sacrifices of course, but whatever happens will be well worth the price of admission. I’ve promised so many things to myself before, that I would… finish all my homework after a restful weekend. Work before play. Take the time to fire off an email to check up on how a loved one was doing. They never happened, and what remained was always that old familiar feeling of failure tainted by a sense of “tomorrow will be better”.

I’ve gotten truly sick of that.

For me, I felt like it was time to shed the irresponsible idiot shell that I’ve been so used to. It’s comfortable, yes, but the crab molts and exposes themselves to danger because they feel the urge to grow. And so it is with myself right now.

So where am I headed? I feel like an arrow, nicked and ready to be let loose. This is that pregnant pause, that split second before that unstoppable kinetic release sends the arrow hurtling towards its inevitable destination. Trouble is, I’m confused as to where I’m being aimed. The energy is there, but the focus is not. Regardless, I’m preparing for something great. I want to seriously experience the best and worst this world has to offer. The key difference is before, I wanted to do this only as an observer. Now, I want to be a participant. It’ll be a strange lifestyle change, and I’ll definitely have relapses, but God willing, something worthy of Christ’s name will be molded of me yet.

Here’s a request: I want you to expect more of me. Throw me more responsibilities be they work, volunteer, or even emotional. I don’t think I’ve pushed myself, experienced true trials up to this point in life, and it’s about time I should.