The older I get, the more I realize one thing.

It’s not just about how smart you are, or how wise you are. Natural talent is great, but it can easily be squandered.

No, it’s about your persistence. Can you take what the world throws at you, and reject it for what it is? Can you seek justice, encourage the oppressed, plead for the widow? Can you discipline your mind? Refuse to settle for the bland, saturated wine and trade it for uncertainty? Be an explorer, if only of yourself? Find steel, to sharpen your steel?

I ask myself this everyday. I think my greatest fear is to become stagnant. Well, that or this.

The Lost Years

Why are we so content on rushing through the journey? Why do we want that stable 9-5 job so badly? Why do we want our relationships to be cut and dry? Why do we want a stable house a few minutes away from our parents? Why is our natural reaction to conform, to find the best traditional approach and stick to it? Why do we not choose to be creative, to be daring, to take risks that might not always pay off, before pursuing what everyone else wants? Why are we so afraid?

There is no problem with being lost and taking chances. In fact, being lost is where I want to be. We need to get lost to realize what we truly value.

Ponder

Almost everyone has a desire to leave a legacy, an imprint of their own on the world. It can be as simple as taking a beautiful photo. This picture captures a moment that the photographer wants to remember, and not only says something about the subject that it captured, but something about the photographer as well. This photo can then be shared, and touch the lives of family and friends, who then understand this photographer a little better. In decades to come, the picture will mean different things, whether it be a memento of a younger time or something now deeply offensive to the photographer. However, this single fact remains clear – through the photo, the photographer has left a mark on history.

There are also far more ambitious means of expression. There are those who aim to be doctors, lawyers, businessmen known across the world. Those who want to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, lift the poor. These are all equally valid means of expression, if not varying in terms of reward.

But what about those who just want to leave the world as is? To leave the people around them untouched, so that they cannot be judged negatively for their actions? What if their only goal in this world is to pass by? What is their reward? What is their purpose?

We all need a means of expression. It is crucial, fundamental to our very existence. Some of us will search for it all our lives, and never find it. But it is always worth trying, because the process of finding it can become a means in and of itself.

Not back yet

A bottle of Sleeman’s + hot, steaming chicken soup with pepper –> Realization that relationships are called that, for the very reason of having to relate to people.

Bookmarks dump

Here’s some cool links I’ve meant to blog about for the past few months, but have never found the time to… until now. (Well technically, I still haven’t found the time, but whatever) In no particular order:

Politics in America – Robert L. Kocher: This seemingly fringe writer is easy to dismiss. He espouses a brand of conservatism that seems intent on undoing all the changes of the past 50 years, and even Wikipedia doesn’t have an entry for this man. It would be a shame not to read his material though – Kocher raises some troubling valid questions regarding topics such as the Sexual Revolution, and where liberalism is taking Western society. The amount of effort he’s put into his writing warrants at least a skimming.

Elucidate Mixes: This 2-man DJ crew has been topping my playlists for the past few months now. Their mixes are perfect – they know just when to pump out the beats and get you grooving, and when to pull back and hit that euphoric state that trance is renowned for. I recommend the Lucid Dream set of mixes, particularly the 2AM and 5AM mixes.

WHTour: It’s like travelling to a bunch of famous places in the world without actually being there. Great 360 degree panoramic pictures, it’s a good resource for scouting out some of the most famous landmarks on the planet.

The Independent Gaming Source: If you’ve ever wondered where I get all my dumb games, here’s a good resource : )

Goodbye to All That: Anyone with a passing interest in American politics should read this. This is how rhetorical pieces should be done, people. An article like this would inspire voters far more than attacking the other candidate ever could. Obama all the way, please.

The Bible According to Google Earth: Definitely an interesting approach to envisioning events of the Bible. The first picture is astounding in how it portrays the Crucifixion. For a secular person, it simply puts into perspective that Jesus was a common man who died in a very painful manner, but for a Christian, it conveys the amazing love and pain God must have experienced, to appear as a simple human condemned to die for unworthy reasons.

Toodles! ‘Til next time!

RRRRRrrargh

You know what really grinds my gears? Schadenfreude. Why must people that you have to interact with be so difficult, and enjoy dragging others down to their level? Could it be because deep down, they’re really insecure people that just want to fit into the crowd? Perhaps life has given them one too many hits and they’ve just thrown in the towel to treating people with the respect they deserve? Or, the last and worst possible option, they really are just socially maladjusted assholes?

Life isn’t easy, even for those who have sex in nightvision. Stop using the environment and people around you to justify your own attitude. Rise above it.

Stories for Strangers

“Alright now, smile.”

The man pushed up his glasses and opened his eyes as wide as possible. Wrinkles had surfaced years ago and it was all he could do to appear young again. He put on a dry grin, with no teeth showing, and stood as straight as possible. He’d done this countless times throughout his life, taking pictures on countless trips and settings. This was routine.

The flash went off.

Lowering the digital camera from her face, she looked at the LCD screen and looked at the image. Her husband looked just as charming as when they first met, though it was clear that he was starting to get old. His hair was still light brown, but speckled with patches of gray, though it was difficult to distinguish in the dying light of the dusk. He still looked overweight, with a slight belly showing through the green polo shirt he was wearing. The Falls behind him rushed gloriously. “A good picture”, she thought.

They were just taking a look around Niagara Falls, off to visit their relatives at St. Catharines. They did this every month. It was always a nice trip, driving out and leaving Michigan behind, if only for a weekend. It was only during this trip that they made the impulse decision to take a look at the Falls from the Canadian side. Now here they were, leaning against a railing, and looking at the giant display of water before them.

“It’s my turn now.”

Her husband nodded, and they traded places. They could have taken a picture together, but her husband decided that since they could come anytime, they could just take another picture on another day since they were so close. Besides, he rationalized in the car earlier, we don’t have to bother the people beside us.

She was the one standing beside the railing now, with the Falls behind her. As she brushed her hair behind her ears, she realized that she was getting old too. There were patches of gray hair where there only used to be single strands, and she was starting to get wrinkles too. She sighed, and then put on as big and wide of a smile as possible. She winced as the flash went off. As her husband slowly lowered the camera, she felt a slight twinge of regret. They were childless by choice, but not because of health problems or career aspirations. They just agreed that they never really wanted to raise children in the first place, and that was that. Right now though, having someone else in the picture with her would have been nice. Something inside her did stir once in a blue moon whenever she saw other couples holding a baby, but for the most part she was comfortable with just her Tom. “And besides,” she thought, “I can play with Jane’s daughter when we get to St. Catharine’s.”

“Here, take a look.”

They both crowded around the camera to review the pictures of their trip. They stayed for a bit longer, soaking in the majestic view before them one more time, then left, effortlessly blending into a sea of faces.

What the hell am I doing with my life

Procrastinators actively look for distractions, particularly ones that don’t take a lot of commitment on their part… They distract themselves as a way of regulating their emotions such as fear of failure.

-Psychology Today

Squeezed

There’s few things as soothing as walking through fresh snow at 2 AM. I always associate Coltrane’s Naima with these midnight romps, especially in the winter since a good friend of mine gifted me with the album for one Christmas. Man, I get chills from all the incredibly delicate arpeggios that John weaves over the very simple but effective bassline and percussion. At this time of the year, I’m always just a bit more cheerful, a bit more optimistic (naive?), and less cynical. Good thing… the world needs less cynics.

There’s someone I know who has such an intense faith that it’s inspirational. It cuts through all the befuddlement this world brings on us, all the mixed messages and political ideologies that the lost subscribe to. Even hardcore atheists and people of other faiths have to step back and admire such conviction. It’s struck me, how hard it is to remember my roots nowadays, and even harder to figure out my next steps. Here’s to Urbana, which should hopefully clarify things again. It’s been a while since I’ve had a genuine respect for someone or something.

I’ve never been very good at translating my thoughts into words in real life. Most of my thinking gets done while I’m laying in bed, waiting for sleep. I jump through so many mental hula hoops, shifting from one premise and linking it to another… only to have a vague memory of it in the morning. What seemed so brilliant at the time becomes a pale shade of itself later. In a way, this blog is therapeutic in that it forces me to try to discipline my mind and produce something that resembles a packaged editorial. Not that I desperately crave the idea of others reading what I have to say. I’m honored that you even took a 30 second break to even click that link to my blog and read this. I feel like I’ve been abusing this podium lately because honestly, my life isn’t exciting at all. I don’t have my own company, I haven’t biked across Canada, I haven’t gone into space, I haven’t travelled to Hong Kong sans parents… the list goes on. Waterloo takes these opportunities and converts them to: a) work, and b) weeping and gnashing of teeth over academics.

I should stop being so self-referential (but does that not defeat the nature of a blog?). So conceited!

sbbssbbssbbs

I was going to write a huge tirade about how crappy my whole week was, how I’m failing all the goals I’ve set for myself, how I’m letting down the expectations others have set for me, how I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything I hold dear… but you know what? I just called my dad to wish him a happy birthday, and just a mere light-hearted conversation made up for all the crap this week. CFC’s current slogan “Better Together”, indeed.

I’ve had two interviews this week, and both of them coincided with a midterm on the same day. In other words, guess who walked into his co-op opportunities groggy and dead? (Rhetorical, don’t answer that) One of the interviews also involved 2 of the most bitter and jaded souls I’ve ever met. But then again, they were in IT so that’s somewhat understandable. Towards the end of the interview, I remember them asking “What’s one achievement you’ve accomplished that you felt was particularly brilliant?” Now excuse me, but A) this is a co-op position B) As a help desk worker C) For one of the smallest faculties of UW and therefore fewest potential ‘clients’ D) and you’ve publicly admitted that this job is extremely laidback with previous students even taking distance ed courses WHILE WORKING. Explain to me exactly WHAT part of this job requires “brilliance and creativity”?  I was pretty sure at that point they were just messing around. Regardless to say, even if I got offered for that job, I wouldn’t have taken it. Those guys were probably the first interviewers that ever gave me a horrible impression of their company. As for the other job I interviewed for… I’ve learned that keeping my mouth shut is a good thing at times. We’ll see how things turn out first, shall we?

Random philosophical insights have been coming to me through out this week. I hate how everything can be boiled back to lessons you learned back in kindergarden. Shouldn’t there be… something more? Aren’t we all supposed to be adults now, dealing with mature concepts and principles that kids can’t understand?

More on everything… later.